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Hey Four, guess what!?
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What is it X?
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I was rummaging through some old boxes, and I found this newspaper thing from like 2009 which is a CRAZY long time ago. Do you remember Four, this Number Playground Chronicle?
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Who is that on the cover? That- Is that Five?
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Yeah, yeah, that's Five.
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Oh, we gotta read this! We have to see what's in there!
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And you know, maybe it'll take us down Memory Lane about what our lives were like back then.
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Yes, let's ride down that lane.
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Yeah, here we go, let's speed down the lane at 100 miles per hour!
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- Oof!
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The car crashes as text appears on the screen reading
"THE NUMBER PLAYGROUND CHRONICLE APRIL 19, 2009 ISSUE Section A". |
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This story is about... Oh, an integer dropping a ball. I hope it wasn't you, Four, because I hate people who drop their balls!
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Yeah, when that happens, it can be very bad.
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Yeah, so, y'know, I'm- I'm gonna just read through this to make sure it wasn't you. So, this was written by Two Integer, which is interesting, I wonder what Two is up to. They wrote "Five Integer, a former not-dropper, dropped a playground ball on the morning..." and the reader flipped page A4 to read the rest.
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I can't wait to see the rest!
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"Of last Tuesday, while playing a rather simple game of catch-" Oh, and look, that teaches how to pronounce catch. C-A-CH. "Integer did not pick up the ball when dropped, and Three Integer, the person playing with him, became impatient. The Integer was angry at Integer-"
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WHO'S WHO?!
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"Because Integer knew Integer could simply pick up the ball and throw it to Integer, and Integer and Integer could keep playing." But, this is confusing, Four.
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Wow, Integer really dropped the ball there.
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I'm getting lost, Four. Four, are you getting lost?
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I'm getting a little bit lost. I'm feeling like Three in that picture right there, I'm "fooming".
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Oh-Oh wow, I didn't even see that picture, but-wha- Three is "fooming"!
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"FOOM"! "FOOM"!
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I think he looks absolutely furious.
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Look at this other article!
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Cut to Yellow Face.
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I see an advertisement. Uh, that's kinda my thing- UH, this movie, DOWN.
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Wait, wha- Wha- The movie's called DOWN?
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Yeah, it kinda reminds me of some movie that was playing ear- like a while ago. But, it's like instead of UP, it's DOWN.
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Wait, wait, what is the plot of this movie, though? I don't want to watch a movie just about going downhill, you know.
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Footage from Are You Smarter Than a Snowball? starts playing as Tennis Ball speaks.
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I actually don't know what this movie's about either, I- I think I see a house and there's like-
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Yeah, I'm- I'm seeing this bag of lead below the house, and I know from my chemistry experiments that lead has a density of 13 tons per cubic inch, So, it makes sense that it's falling really fast.
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That's kinda a lot of lead. Like, I don't wanna breathe in the fumes, so maybe it's going- It's like going into the ocean.
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But- But, Yellow Face, don't you already have a lot of lead poisoning? I tested your house lately and the levels there... They're just off the charts.
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Oh, that- That would explain why I've been feeling kinda weird.
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Well, if you like DOWN, then you'll love DOWN: THE SEQUEL! I-I saw on page A9, we should go see that one!
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Yellow Face flips to page A9.
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"DOWG!" Oh, well, the house is still there, it's like floating.
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No, it's under the wa- Oh, actually, I can't tell. I guess that's why we should go see it, but the most impressive thing is that this movie comes out one day after it's prequel. I think that's like, a world record.
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That must mean it's really good. Like, there's so much content-
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Say, Yellow Face, don't you, like, own a movie production company? Like, I think we should protest and not watch it because they're competing with your company and they're putting it out of business.
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Well, they're- They're also taking lead out of the environment, so, I think they're doing a good thing. I- I think I wanna support them now.
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THEY'RE SEQUESTERING IT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN!
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Cut back to Four and X.
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Oh my gosh, it's a picture of me!
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X! Yeah, it's a picture of you! You got your own page!
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I- I got a full page, frontal-face photo. That's how you know you've made it into the big leagues.
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I don't think I wanna see your face THAT up close. It's kinda gross.
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Wait, it looks like I have some sort of, like, upper lip shadow? Facial hair thing? What is even going ON?
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Yeah, I think you gotta shave your mustache.
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*Suddenly appears with a mustache* I had no idea it was that visible. Oh well. *Mustache disappears* Anyway, I do remember Octahedron coming up to me that blessed day and asking me for an interview, so let's see what he wrote.
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"On a nice day Tuesday-late-morning stroll, Four Integer (*Pointing at Four* That's you!) came across X Variable (That's me.) sitting by a tree. Variable had been depressed-" This sounds so official, it's my last name. "Integer started the Interview," (And this is you, I think.)
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"X!!! What's wrong? You look depressed, says Integer." THAT'S ME!
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"Oh, I don't know, says Variable, "I just don't know what I am, what my, says Variable. Value is."
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"This is known as a Lack-of-Knowledge-of-Value type of stress, and Integer knew just how to fix it. You see, says Integer,"-
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You were so smart!
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Did- Did you just interrupt me?! I was reading right there!
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Yeah! It's just like you're a doctor! You know about the Lack-of-Knowledge-of-Value-itis! I really appreciate that level of knowledge!
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I mean, I- I personally don't deal with Lack-of-Knowledge-of-Value type stress like, I kinda already know my value, so y'know.
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Oh well, I guess that's true...
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WAIT, FINISH READING THE ARTICLE, I WANNA-
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Oh oh "You see," says Integer, "it's not as extremely complicated as you might think. All it takes to fix not knowing your value is to learn your value! Yes, that's really all it is, folks; that's really all it is!"
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Wow, it was so simple?
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This person's quite sure of themself. Wow, this is the words of someone who clearly has not dealt with this issue in their life, like they think it's so simple, huh. Wait, that's talking about me, isn't it? Oh, wow, oh wait this is not a good look for me!
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Yeah! Wait, if the magical sauce that you're peddling, is this branded obvious statement that maybe you have nothing to offer at all? Maybe you're not the teacher I thought you were.
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Yeah, I-I-I think you might be onto something there, X.
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Well anyway. We did find my value, but only for that day cause my value changes every day. Oh look on the next page, they got our phone numbers!
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Wow, that's a lot of numbers!
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I remember the days of phone books, my phone number is two!
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Really? I'm having trouble finding it, there's so many phone numbers here.
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Oh, it's okay. You just kind of like squint really hard.
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Man, I wish I could just call some of them, but I don't know who to call?
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There's no one worth calling, but me Four!
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Oh my gosh!
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Don't talk to Square Polygon! Don't talk to One-Third Fraction! Talk to X!
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If you say so X.
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Um, anyway, let's move on. I don't think there's anything left in section A.
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So in the year 2009, we all know there was a global recession, sweeping over the globe.
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I remember the subprime mortgage crisis. It was unpleasant.
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Oh, I don't remember that, because I didn't have a house back then. Still don't, but you know. Oh my god, there's X doing a weird pose, why is the- why is the voice bubble sticking into his mouth? That's gonna make him gag.
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BUSINESS!
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Oh my god X, is that you right now? That must be so painful, I feel bad!
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