Now you can torment me with plotholes easier!
914: Alright, this should be relatively easy.
(914 steals some rocks and the odd statue, takes a photo of himself, and shoves it all in left chamber)
G.J: HEY! MY STATUE!
914 (thinking as he adjusts the knob to 'very fine' with his tongue): There must be a better way to do this.
(A small, sentient stone 914 hops out.)
Stone 914: W-where am I? Who am I?
914: Why, hello there, little guy! How do you feel about becoming my dedicated knob turner?
Stone 914: WHAT?! NO!! I am a living being! I have a greater purpose in life! How DARE you try to undermine that!
914: Now, let's not jump to conclusions-
Stone 914: HEED MY CALL, BROTHERS! CARRY ME, AND I SHALL LEAD YOU TO OVERTHROWING OUR DOUBLES OF LESSER MATERIAL AND BRING A NEW, IMPROVED STONE AGE!
( Everyone's statues start moving towards Stone 914.)
914: Fascinating... So little me can reach into the minds of our stony dopplegangers.
Elephant: You should probably start running, 914!
914: And how will I do that?
914 (flustered): Okay, team. We'll need to up our game from now on. We've been brushing by elimination a few too many times that I can manage.
Slime: I thought you loved putting people at risk.
914 (very flustered): NOT WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME, YOU FFFFFFFabulous valued teammate of mine who is kind enough to stay in the name of science.
Yellow Ball: But how are you going to get all the way to Gayland? We each have to rescue 1 of Flamingo Plush's 24 clones.
Poorly Drawn Fork: Hold on, what?
914: Modern problems require modern solutions, my rotund friend! For you see, I have swiped Feathery's statue from a bin while being airlifted out of the no-arms club, and lo and behold, it had a feather from Flamingo Plush!
Yellow Ball (murmuring): "rotund"?
914: Now, if my calculations are correct, if I take this feather, along with a hidden GPS I snatched from Slovakia-
Grassy Junior: Do you just steal anything you find in case it'll help you in the challenge?
914: Don't you?
(Everyone goes silent as Maple Leaf flutters by.)
Maple Leaf: HELP MEEEEEEEeeeee...
914: As I was saying, I shall now place these in my input chamber, (sticking out tongue) ooze hah ounge oo het hahelf oo 'Hey Ine', and end up with... (A GPS covered in plush feathers comes out) ...That. (914 picks it up, and the machine immediately turns on and shows Flamingo Plush trapped in a giant pelican nest, getting fed by the pelicans.)
Yellow Ball: Heh, he looks pretty 'fed up'. Heh heh heh... Sorry.
914: Now onto phase 2. This bar of gold-
Yellow Ball: Which you swiped back from Feathery.
914: Shall become a very fine... Infinity Gauntlet. Wow.
Slime: But you have no Infinity stones...
914: I can make my own. (914 reaches out and stuffs Yellow Ball and Slime into the sockets)
Yellow Ball: Hey! Quit it! If I had a skeleton, I'd be in real pain right now!
Slime: *GASP* I was a gem all along?! The more you know...
914: Now for the other stones. (914 rips a piece out of Blue Snowball's chest, killing him. He then crumples Maple Leaf, pours Hot Sauce and crushes Carrolly's purple harp into the appropriate sockets.
Poorly Drawn Fork: You're a little bloodthirsty today, aren't ya?
914: With one snap, I shall wipe out the pelicans and bring Flamingo here. (914 snaps, and Plush pops out of a portal)
914: That's that. (914 removes the glove and drops it on Flamingo Plush.)
Flamingo Plush: AAAAA MY OTHER LEG
914: So you're Doggie Bone?
Doggie Bone: Yeah. I was hoping you could help me with finding my friend Forky.
914:Alright. Tell me everything you know about Forky and who kidnapped him.
(One explanation later.)
914: Okay. I need you to fetch me a heat crystal from Yoyle Mountain and as much metal as those scrawny arms of yours can carry.
Doggie Bone: WHAT?! But that'll take me all day!
914: Do you want your friend back, or not?
Doggie Bone: Ugh, fine.
(Night falls as Doggie Bone returns with the crystal, seriously wounded.)
Doggie Bone: THERE. I got your stupid crystal. Now, can you please use it to find Forky??
914: Oh, I don't need it right now.
Doggie Bone: WHAT?!!!!! SO I DID THAT STUPID QUEST ALL FOR-
914: Relax:I've narrowed his location to 3 places. Queen Dora's castle, The App Store and the ice cream factory.
Doggie Bone: Wait, how are you going to-
(914 presses a button and sprouts caterpillar tracks.)
Doggie Bone: YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO MOVE ALL THIS-
914: Chill. I worked on it while you were gone.
Doggie Bone (resigned): *SIGH*... At least you're resourceful.
Queen Dora's castle DDAD: Hail, travelers! I have here golden goods I hope may be of your interest. This gold reflects all damage taken, and practically makes you a god!
Doggie Bone: Wow... We could rescue Forky easily with this!
914: Yep. Say, could you fit us with some armour made from that gold?
DDAD: Certainly, sir!
(The two get outfitted in glorious gold armour, complete with red velvet capes.)
Doggie Bone: What power! Is this even real gold??
914: Let's find out. (914 sets a gold bar to 'very fine' and creates a massive explosion that levels the whole castle.)
914: Apparently not.
Queen Dora (OS): NOOOOOO! MY BEAUTIFUL CASTLE!
Doggie Bone: YOU BASTARD! YOU'VE MURDERED FORKY!
914: Firstly, Forky isn't here. Secondly, even if he was, he would still be alive. Look! No one's dead.
(DB looks around, finding plenty of dazed people but 0 corpses... Until some debris begins crushing them.)
Doggie Bone: Oh God-
914: Come now, let's not keep Forky waiting. To the app store!9
App Store Instaxy: Welcome to the App store,the centre of WiFi! Here, you can get apps Of all uses and functions!
Doggie Bone: Do you have any apps for tracking forks?
Instaxy: Nope. We do have apps for tracking knives, spoons, spatulas, whisks...
Doggie Bone: Whatever. Stay here, 914. I'm going to go search for Forky.
(Doggie Bone dashes up the stairs.)
914: So... Does this place have strong security?
Instaxy: Strong security? More like the strongest security around!
914: So, can it defend against... This?
(914 places a USB inside one of the computers. Suddenly, the screens all go red.)
App Store: WARNING. WARNING. THIS FACILITY IS BEING ASSIMILATED BY A VIRUS. EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.
Doggie Bone: What are you doing?!
914: Relax. "Zinger" just opens windows and leads to iPhone scams.
Doggie Bone: "JUST"?! You're very lucky Forky isn't here.
914: Don't worry. I have a feeling he'll be in the next area.
Ice Cream Factory (914 and DB trudge precariously along the walkway overlooking the giant vats of blended ice cream.)
Doggie Bone: Well, isn't this ominous! It would make a great place for a final battle!
Computer: I agree, Boney.
914: Oh, it's you, Ba-
Computer (removing his disguise): It is I! Banana! Bet you weren't expecting me, eh?
914: (vehement silence)
Doggie Bone: Where is Forky?!
Banana: He's right here! (Banana pulls a rope, lowering a cage holding Forky.)
914: A cage, huh? Real tacky.
Doggie Bone: Why, Banana? Why kidnap my best friend?
Banana: I should have won BFDIsland! Besides, I'd make a much better friend for him! Ever since you won, you've cared for no one but yourself! I bet the only reason you're trying to rescue him is good publicity!
914: Well that's pretty out of character-
Banana: NOW TO EAT THIS BOMB.
Doggie Bone: Banana, if you don't release Forky, we will turn you into banana mush!
(Banana summons his armour, equipping to become bigger, stronger, golder and red velvet cape-ier.)
Banana: I'd like to see you try.
(The battle commences against LVL 99 Doggie Bone with 350 HP and 200 MP alongside LVL 914 914 with 914 health and 0 magic against level 9999 Golden Banana with 9999 health and 9999 MP.)
Doggie Bone: You're really fond of your number designation, huh? Also, BANANA'S GONNA KILL US ALL!
914: It's my only name, so yes. As for that, don't worry! Everything will be fine.
(914 takes the metal and crystal and sets them to 'fine'. Doggie Bone performs Bonemerang for 10 damage.)
Doggie Bone: Great use of turn, pal! It's likely gonna be our last, y'know!
914: You need to chill.
Banana: Yes... Maybe then you'll endure my BURNING FURY! HYAAAA!!
(Banana delivers a flurry of swipes from his chain sword, summons pillars of light to strike the 2, breathes a storm of fire, chucks an army's worth of holy hand grenades, fires a rocket-plasma-laser-minigun with unlimited ammo, summons thunderstorms, hurricanes, typhoons and blizzards, delivers punches strong enough to stop time so he can punch even more, summons the 7 elemental dragons to rain havoc down, slams an earthquake with his holy hammer, summons a supernova that wipes out the solar system before scorching them and finally throws a kitchen sink at them. This deals 0 damage.)
914: You done?
Banana: Wait... No! You should be dead! How are you not dead?!
914: To start off, from what I've heard of you, I am impressed that someone as simple-minded as yourself could unleash such a scheme. Unfortunately, no scheme you could ever come up with could best me. You see, I knew your lethargy would lead you to wait until we're on the move before enacting your plan. That's why I sent DB on that super-long quest. I knew you'd get bored and eat ice cream to pass the time. Before long, you got sick, which was our chance. That detonation at castle had nothing to do with any hypothetical foolishness I had. By destroying all the special gold, you'd have none to make your armour, leaving us with the only pair and YOU with painted metal! (Some paint on Banana's armour peels off.)
Banana: Ah!... Well, I knew you'd do that! With a push of this button, I shall fire a laser from a satellite strong enough to pierce even the golden armour! HA HA HA HA HA HA!
(Banana presses the button, only to receive 600 viruses on his phone.)
Banana: What-WHAT IS THIS?!
914: As a matter of fact, I knew you would do that. That's why I took the liberty of taking down the App Store, the centre of WiFi.
Doggie Bone: Wait a sec-Could'nt you have told me all of this?!
914: Banana knows you well enough to become suspicious if that happened. But now... You won't have to worry about that anymore.
(914 grabs a massive laser cannon from his output chamber and performs Breaker Cannon, dealing 9999 damage, destroying Banana's armour and launching him into the ice cream vats.)
[For the damaged coda plays]
Doggie Bone: Well, 914, even though you caused tons of collateral damage, you still helped me find me friend. Y'know, you and your pragmatic strategies remind me of me in my prime days. Stay safe, now.(Forky and Doggie Bone walk off.)
Yellow Ball: Looks like you did well.
914: Want some banana ice cream?
Yellow Ball: Wait, really? Gee thanks. Maybe you aren't so baAAAAAAAAH!
(Yellow Ball's ice cream contains Banana's remains.)
Yellow Ball: Is... That a robot banana? With a transmitter?
914: Yes, and that's what troubles me. I didn't count on there being someone pulling the strings behind the scenes! The question is, who could it have been?
(Forky pulls the remote from his eye with gusto, crushes it, and walks away with Doggie Bone.)
914: So, where are the scripts?
NDN: Oh, we don’t get any. We’re doing this LIVE.
914: That sounds like one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard.
NDN: Oh, relax. Be yourself, and people will love you!
914: I highly doubt that. Besides, aren’t you acting as someone el-
NDN: And... ACTION!
(NDN, Metal bread, Queen Book, Pro Computer and 914 are all huddled in a cabin in the woods. Snarling and the sound of wood and metal breaking resonates nearby.)
914: Are you sure this is safe? You do know Red Ball is on death row for 26 counts of murder, right?
Metal Bread: You worry too much, geek. Now, if you’ll excuse me and my girl, we’re off to do a little skinny dipping!
Queen Book: Oh, Metal Bread~ (the two skip into the lake.)
914 (shouting): Y’know, it’s pretty redundant to claim you’re skinny dipping when you’re already naked!
Pro Computer: I know, right? Just look at that meathead... I won’t be surprised if he beats Queen Book to death one day... I’m going to the bathroom. (Leaves in a huff.)
914: What’s with him? NDN: He's Queen Book’s ex boyfriend. Just between you and me, he’s better off without that floozy. 914: Interesting.
Outside Metal Bread: Whew, this water’s GREAT! Certainly too manly for those wimps back at the cabin! Though, I’ve gotta get out for a sec. Gotta wiz.
Queen Book: Come back soon, hunkmuffin! (After a while, a Red Ball in a hockey mask wielding a machete steps out of the woods.)
Queen Book: Why, hello there, naughty boy! Enjoying the view? (Red Ball throws the machete into QB's forehead. A bucket attached then tips over and freezes her to death.)
Metal Bread (rushing in):
GUYS! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! SOMEONE’S KILLED QUEEN BOOK! NDN: WHAT?!
914: I TOLD YOU SO!
NDN: Okay, calm down. Are you sure she’s dead?
Metal Bread: I FOUND HER WATERLOGGED BODY WITH A MACHETE THROUGH ITS FOREHEAD.
914: Okay, we need to leave. Right now.
NVN: What about the movie?
914: Who CARES about the movie?!
Pro Computer (walking back in): Guys, what’s with all the noise?
Metal Bread (holding PC up): YOU. I should have known you’d be jealous enough to kill my girl.
Pro Computer: Ok, sure, blame it on me. Ignore the only guy who knew Book’s location AND has a history of violence.
Metal Bread: YOU’RE DEAD, PASTY!
NDN: Wait! Was it Red Ball?
Metal Bread: Well, it kinda looked like him... Only, he was wearing a hockey mask. But it couldn’t have been him! The real Red Ball uses guns! Not machetes with buckets attached.
Pro Computer: Huh... This is a lot like Friday the 13th, isn’t it?
914: That is true. Metal Bread: Of course you’d know what that is. YOU MURDERED HER, AFTER ALL!
NDN: People. Calm down. We’re probably acting all grouchy because we’re all tired. The car's broken down, so let’s get some shuteye now. If we’re quiet, he probably won’t find us.
914: Sure... We’ll go to sleep so you can MURDER us at your leisure!
Pro Computer: Maybe Naily's right, 914. Many studies show a lack of sleep leads to unhelpful side effects, including grouchiness.
914 (Sceptical): Fine.
Dreamland (The objects doze off. They awaken in a labyrinth of pipes, lit with a bloody shade of red with a mysterious singing voice nearby.)
914: Odd. Why are we sharing a dream? Oneirology isn’t my forte or anything, but...
Pro Computer: Sharing dreams is kind of shaky knowledge, but I read a book that said people can share a dream after witnessing something together.
914: Wow. Okay. That’s... Actually interesting.
Metal Bread: Quiet, Nerds. Listen. (The singing echoes far away.) Voice: One, Two, Red Ball's Coming For You, Three, Four Better Lock Your Door, Five, Six Grab A Crucifix, Nine, Ten Never Sleep Again.
914: Nightmare On Elm Street now? Metal Bread: That voice... It sounds like... BOOK! (Runs down a hallway) I’M COMING, MY QUEEN!
Pro Computer (running down a parallel hallway): She’s my queen, meathead! NDN: Oh, dear. We should probably stay here until they come back.
(The two hallways intersect where Queen Book is skipping and singing. PC turns by a corner to find Metal Bread embracing Queen Book, who continues to sing.)
Pro Computer: Put her down NOW!
Metal Bread: NO! I see what’s happened now.You couldn’t live with the fact that you murdered Book, so you included her into this geeky little dream of yours. Well now, I’m NEVER LETTING YOU WAKE UP! (Queen Book suddenly sprouts a pair of red-hot fingerknives and slashes Metal Bread before drowning him in cold water.)
914 (nervous): Okay, how do we get out of here? I’m starting to feel a little claustrophobic here...
Pro Computer: METAL BREAD'S DEAD!
914(Terrified): WHO?! WHO KILLED HIM?!
Pro Computer: HIM!!(PC points to Red Ball, now sporting his fingerknives as well as a hat and striped sweater. He grinds his fingerknives against the pipes. The survivors all cover their ears from the horrible noise.)
914: We need to wake up. Now!
NDN: What?! Pro Computer: Wait, I know! (PC pinches himself awake. The others then follow suit, and find themselves back in the cabin after shutting their eyes a little.)
914: We’re back! You did it! (Glances over the top bunk) But Metal Bread's still dead...
NDN: Looks like he cut himself shaving.
914: Okay, how stupid can you get?
(Red Ball suddenly busts through the wall, donning overalls, a mask made of skin and a chainsaw.)
914: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE?! THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.
(After equipping his treads, 914 busts through the cabin with PC grabbing on to NDN. They make it to the middle of the woods before Naily stops them.)
NDN: Okay, stop. You guys are all overreacting. This “Red Ball" is probably just some dumb teen looking for attention. Book and Metal Bread were just tragic accidents. Now, what say we go back to the cabin and back to slee-
(Red Ball slashes NDN in half with his chainsaw and makes her choke to death on the ice cubes inside his bucket. He then tosses his mask and chainsaw away in favour of a Captain Kirk mask and butcher knife.)
Pro Computer: HALLOWEEN, TOO. WHY NOT. 914: Quick! To the bridge! (The last 2 survivors head towards the bridge, only to find it too narrow and fragile for 914.) Pro Computer: Oh no! Now what do we do?!
(Red Ball walks into view.)
914: Go. I’ll hold him off for as long as I can.
Pro Computer: What? Why?
914: The world won’t function without people like us. You have a better chance of escape than I do with those legs. Now go.
Pro Computer: 914...
914: Listen, you’re clingy, envious and self-absorbed. But you can change. I’m giving you that chance. LEAVE! (Pro Computer scrambles away as 914 blocks the way to the bridge.)
914: Hey, Smartie! I’m over here! Get me first, you masked moron!
(Red Ball sticks a knife into 914, pushes it into the ravine, and throws the icy water to make him bleed to death from the noise the ice cubes make when they land on its metal exterior loudly. It takes the torrent head on... Only to realise, the knife’s rubber, it’s sitting on a mat and the water’s lukewarm.)
NDN: Aaaannd, cut! Well done, everyone!
914: WHAT?! BUT-BUT-WHAT?!
NDN: That means the scene’s over. They told me I couldn’t do most of the movie in one shot. Well, look who’s laughing now!
914: B-B-BUT RED BALL-
NDN: An animatronic. We’re sorry we didn’t tell you the whole truth, but we figured genuine action from you would work best.
Pro Computer: I’m actually impressed. 914. You showed some actual nobility.
914: (Incomprehensible anger)
(914 picks up Red Ball and throws him, accidentally killing PC.)
914: Alright, what did you lose this time?
Doggie Bone: MY ISLAND! Lollipop just stole it and turned it into Lollipop Land!
914 (Incredulous): We are actually doing this again. Well, let's get this over with.
Doggie Bone: Actually...Someone else is here to help. It's Cotton Candy.
Cotton Candy: Hiiiii! ~
914: Urrrrggh... I'm going to lose 56 brain cells by the time this is through... Unless...
Doggie Bone: Oh, and if you pull one of your little 'experiments' on her... There'll be hell to pay.
914: (Gulp) Yes, Sir.
Cotton Candy: So, are those treads detacheable? That is sooooo cool! I want treads like those! Well, if they were shoes, at least. Say, have you heard of World Of Tanks?
914 (Partly weeping): Where... The HELL... Is this damn island?!
Cotton Candy: Right there!
914: Oh, finally.
(Inside the church of Pop)
914: Now THAT is gaudy.
Cotton Candy: I like it! The purple theme really comes together, y'know.
Lollipop: Well, well, well. What have we here?
914: I'm guessing you're Lollipop. Could you do us a solid and give Doggie Bone his island back?
Lollipop: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well, at least you have a sense of humor. Now get off my property before I hack you to pieces.
914: Welp, negotiations have failed. Go get em, Tiger.
Cotton Candy: WHAT?!
914: You should be terrified, Loli. Cotton Candy here could take on an army of you royal snots!
Cotton Candy: 914, what are you doing?
914: Candy here told me she could kick your skinny cheap plastic ass and piss on your sugarbowl of a head until it melts!
Cotton Candy: SHUT UP, 914!!
Lollipop (Nettled): WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT. (Pulls out a purple lightsaber.)
914 (To itself): Now, if my calculations are right, these two should eventually kill each other, and rid the world of 2 annoyances. (A lacerated Cotton Candy collapses near 914.
Cotton Candy: H....E....L..P.
914: Ah, crap. Retreat! (The two head near the church entrance.
914: OH NO! I set her on "Very Fine"... Oh, this is not good... People on 'Very Fine' usually dissipate into vapors... Hey... Cotton Candy... You okay, buddy?
Cotton Candy : (HEAVY BREATHING)
Lollipop: Ah, there you are. Time to end this, peasants!
914 (Relieved): Oh, good, you're not dead.
Lollipop: Wh-what is this heresy?!
Cotton Candy: This is the end for you.
(CC drags Lollipop around the earth 3786 times around the earth before decapitating her with her own lightsaber.)
914: Well... Everything went better than expected-
914: So, why bring me here?
Lollipop?: Let's answer that question with a question.
914: AND WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO.... Mean? (914 finds himself back in the plains)
Yellow Ball: Are you ok, 914?
914: What? I’m fine! I’ve always been perfectly fine! What makes you think I’m not fine?! Are you trying to stress me ou-
Yellow Ball: Alright, alright. I just thought you’d be a little worried, considering we lost.
914: Why should I worry?? At this rate, Grassy Jr is gonna lose by a landslide! Ha ha ha ha!
914 (thinking): This is bad this is bad I’ve only got 3 chances left! And not only that, my teammates might be more popular than me! I CAN’T AFFORD TO LOSE ANY MORE!
Yellow Ball: Well, that’s cool. I’m going to go find Pistachio Cookiey. 914: WAIT! Let me ask something first!
Yellow Ball: (sigh) What?
914: Don’t you find it strange that everyone here has done challenges that would normally occur once? Don’t you find it weird that Pelicans have annexed Gayland and kidnapped FP 20-something times?!
Yellow Ball: Huh, I guess that is weird. Maybe they’re all different pelicans with a common goal. Anyway, gotta go. (Yellow Ball sprouts two longer arms and leaps away.)
914: Ok, that’s a whole other can of worms to open another day. In the meantime... (914 takes its FPGPS, throws it in with a pistachio, and sets itself to 1:1. The result is a green GPS with a cream cover, detecting all nearby pistachios. A large pistachio frequency is detected in a cemetery.)
914: That must be him. But... Why is he in the “Spooky Ghost Cemetery”?
Carolly: Because he’s dead. Hara-kiri'd himself from the shame.
914: Oh... Wait, how do you know all this?
Carolly: I don’t know... I keep receiving these memories that don’t belong to me; It’s all just so confusing!
Carol Cookie (gargling): PLEASE... KILL ME... OR HER... JUST MAKE THE PAIN STOP...
914: Oh yeah, that was an unprecedented side effect.
Carolly: Come again?
914: Nothing. Now, before you go, can you tell me how he was like?
Carolly: Well... My memories tell me he was very patriotic and loyal... He never abandoned his duties... HE... UM... (Carolly passes out from an aneurysm.)
914: I see. *SIGH*. (914 takes a dvd collection of Doctor Who and throws it in his input chamber. It then grabs a crayon, draws a clock shape on the ground and throws wood on the sketch.) Tick Tock sum ligneus Clock! (Wooden Clock rises from the ground.)
Wooden Clock: I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL CLOCK OF WOOD. WHO HATH SUMMONED- (GODLY GIRLY SHRIEK.)
(914 throws Wooden Clock inside as well, and sets them both to 'very fine'.) 914: C'mon... Work... Please...
(3 wooden wristwatches on 1 strap pop out. Each one lists numbers for years, months and days. 914 checks the interior and finds a time machine core, to its joy.)
914: Pistachio was probably killed during the Great Cookie Run And Techo War. I should probably go before that. (914 adjusts the watches to 25, 07 and 2008. It then presses a button below, and falls through a worm hole in time, but soon spots a Lollipop in white robes.)
914: Oh, god, not you again.
Lollipop?: Interfering with time, Mr 914? Tsk, that’s a big no-no.
914: Go away! I don’t want to hear any of your bathrobed nonsense. I have to go get Pistachio Cookie before past Carol Cookie spots me!
Lollipop?: Is that so? Well, perhaps a little talk with her will teach you a lesson in disrespecting the ones above you! (The robed Lollipop throws 914 through time and space and makes it crash into Carol Cookie's house.) 914 (snickering): What a dum-dum.
(914 grabs a nearby phone book and phone, then calls Pistachio Cookie.)
Pistachio Cookie: Hello?
914: Ah, greetings, PC! I’m a friend of Carol, and I’m at her house.
Pistachio Cookie: No.
914: “No”?! What do you mean, no??
Pistachio Cookie: I shall not move from my post, for it is the will of White Choco Cookie.
914: Well, what would make you move?
Pistachio Cookie: The threat of extinction befalling my race.
914: I understand. (Hangs up) These stoic types always make things so difficult...
(914 searches around the house, and finds a photo of Carol and a Techo. The farmer reads “Carol & Christmas Techo BFFS 4EVER.) 914: Well, gotta do what I gotta do...
(914 finds Christmas Techo's number and calls him.)
914: Hello? This is Carol’s friend... Machine Cookie... And I was wondering what you and Carol were last doing together.
Christmas Techo: Why do you want to know?
914: I was thinking of writing a story about her and I need inspiration.
Christmas Techo: Okay, so... She had dinner at my place last night, and she brought along someone called Water Techo. We had flour flies as usual, but just between you and me... I’m not a fan of Water Techo. She’s a very slippery individual, especially with all the advances she made on Carol. When I spotted them on the porch, that was the last straw. Once they came back in, I told Water Techo that she had to leave. I guess I must have upset Carol or something, since she stormed off. So fair warning, she’ll probably be extra cranky today.
914: I see...
Christmas Techo: Well, I gotta go fax something. See ya, Machine Cookie! (Hangs up.)
914 (writes on paper and tossing it into output chamber.) Now to wait until-
Carol Cookie: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY HOUSE?! (Carol rushes into her house and finds 914 underneath a 914-shaped hole.)
Carol Cookie: I’M GIVING YOU 10 SECONDS TO EXPLAIN BEFORE I FETCH THE BOOM-MUSKSTICK!
914: EEP! Um, hello, Carol. I am your new fax machine!
Carol Cookie (teeth clenched): I don’t remember ordering a fax machine...
914: Well, it’s a new marketing scheme of our company. We send machines like myself at random addresses around the world in order to create international interest.
Carol Cookie: And that company is...?
914: Yellow.... Time?
Carol Cookie: (beat) Well, that works for me. Not only will melting you down be cathartic as hell, but your parts will be more than enough to fix my roof!
914: E-excellent. *BEEP*. Oh, would you look at that! A fax from Christmas Techo. (Takes paper from chamber. *Ahem*... “Dear Carol Cookie, I’d like to thank you for the dinner last evening.”
Carol Cookie: Aw... That’s actually kind of swee-
914: "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink! You are a mouldy-haired creature made out of cement and poop with the screechiest harp in the world and you smell like an elephant's butt!"
Carol Cookie (twitching) “Screechy harp”?! “Elephant’s butt”?!
914: “PS: I know what you did with Water Techo last night.”
Carol Cookie (snapped): WE WERE JUST TALKING! GIVE ME THAT! (Carol Cookie snatches the letter off 914 and reads a much fouler version of 914’s reading before glaring at it.
914 (timidly): I don’t like to say swears.
Carol Cookie: (slams hand on table.) THAT’S IT. I WILL NO LONGER REST UNTIL I SLAUGHTER EVERY LAST TECHO. EVERY. LAST. ONE. OF THOSE SCALY, SLIMY BASTARDS.
(Carol stomps out her house and slams the door so hard, the house collapses. Carol roars out various swears while marching to White Choco's castle.)
914: I wonder how this will go.
(2 hours pass, and already a full scale conflict has erupted between the two races. Although the majority of the combat takes place in Neotopia, a number of Techos have snuck past enemy lines and are immolating the near defenceless Cookie land.)
914: That escalated quickly. (Calls Pistachio Cookie) Pistachio Cookie! Do you see this??
Pistachio Cookie: Yes. It saddens me greatly.
914: Well, we’ve gathered together in Carol's house, and we need your protection!
Pistachio Cookie: Very well. I shall be there shortly.
(PC runs for 5 minutes before arriving. He barely makes it past the front door when 914 grabs him and sets him to 'Very Fine' with a mysterious vial.
Pistachio Cookie: YOU... LIED...
Pistachio Cookiey: Hello, world! I am Pistachio Cookiey!
914: Swell. Let’s go home now. (914 uses its watches to return to present day.)
Lollipop?: Thank you for your expected cooperation.
914: GO AWAY! (914 gets warped back to BFDIsland.)
914: Okay, here’s your little friend.
Carol Cookie (rasping): YOU... MONSTER...
Aftermath Roll Cake Cookie: Has anyone seen Pistachio Cookie?
Squid Cookie: He left his post to go to Carol's house and disappeared.
Roll Cake Cookie: Sounds like he died, then... That’s another grave to dig after this is over.
White Choco Cookie: Cookies! Tell the other cookies to hurry back to town! Our automated defences should hold, but the Techos could very easily siege us at this point!
Yellow Ball: Why am I still awake?
(Yellow Ball is strapped to an operating table with an exposed torso.
914: Anaesthetic is expensive. Deactivating your pain receptors and holding you down isn’t. It’s also much less time consuming, so I got to open that doughy abdomen of yours almost immediately.
Yellow Ball: Oh, can you not?! Why am I even here?!
914: That spirit-thing of yours has got me quite interested! I’ve decided to examine you and how it works! Don’t worry. I’ve performed surgery only a few hundred years ago.
Yellow Ball: That really doesn’t comfort me at all. Neither does the big, creepy tower you threw me into.
914: Firstly, it’s gothic. Secondly, high altitudes help with easing brain activity.
Yellow Ball: I guess I’m stuck here until you’ve had your sick, twisted fun.
(Meanwhile, outside the gates of BFDIsland)
Anti-vax Zomboss: This is your last chance, inhabitants of BFDIsland! Eschew your vaccines, and become part of us, or die!
914: Excuse me for a second. (Turns to window) Go on! Shoo! We’re not interested in your cult!
Anti-vax Zomboss: ExCUSE me?! Do you have any idea who you’re speaking to?! I am Dr Edgar Zomboss, and my followers and I have found undeniable proof that vaccines take lives and cause autism!
914: Wow, how interesting! Now bugger off!
Anti-vax Zomboss: I’d watch what you say, tin can! My zombie army is unstoppable! Observe!
(914 rolls its eyes as Zomboss's army bangs on the gate.)914: Sorry about that. Now, let’s have a look at those organs. Heart, lungs, intestines, squeedlyspooch... Hello, what’s this? (914 spots a small black organ. It goes to dig it out, but the organ spasms violently and begins rapidly mutating
Yellow Ball: WHAT IS THAT?!
914: Fascinating... This must be a self-defence mechanism.
Yellow Ball: Why are you so calm?! It’s probably gonna eat you now!
914: Don’t worry! I’ll scare it off with the Breaker Cannon!
Yellow Ball: Why is it called that? Laser cannons don’t break things, they vaporise them.
914: Fine. It’s the Proton Cannon now. Happy?
(914 sets the cannon to a low intensity and fires, causing the creature to retreat back into Yellow Ball while splashing aciding black goo everywhere. A bookshelf glitches.)
914: It’s a good thing I don’t have a nose, because this stuff looks nasty.
Yellow Ball: As a lowly nose-owner myself, I can confirm it. This smells awful! Ugh!
914: Anyway, I’m just going to run a few more tests, and then we’ll be done. This gunk will help me a lot with understanding your abilities.
Yellow Ball: Well, fine. Just know I am being VERY generous here and what is that awful smell?
914: The gunk?
Yellow Ball: No! This one smells like rotting flesh!
(914 looks out the window and finds the Anti-vax zombies have broken through the gate, but are decomposing under the hot sun.)
Anti-vax Zomboss: Prepare to pray to your needle gods, Vax junkie! We have you surrounded!
914: Just go away! You’ve become the most annoying bald people I’ve ever met, and that’s saying something!
Anti-vax Zomboss: Why don’t you make us, scrappy? Or are you too busy playing doctor?
914: Ok, that’s it. (914 throws a jar of smallpox at the Zombies' feet. They inhale the smallpox, shriek and melt away into sludge.)
Yellow Ball: Wow!, you just killed them without a second thought! *Scoff* I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve never regretted something in your life!
Yellow Ball: Hello?
914: Okay, we’re just about done here. I will now turn on my body sewing machine to patch you up. Hope you don’t mind, but it’s powered by sulfur. (914 activates the machine and fills the room with hydrogen sulfide.
Yellow Ball: Oh god, this smells so bad, I think I’m going to... To... Urk!
(Yellow Ball vomits onto his organs.)
Yellow Ball: Wait, don’t sew me up, DON’T SEW ME UP-
(The machine sews up YB's body with the vomit still inside.)
Yellow Ball: No! No, no, nooooo...
914: Thank you for your cooperation, Yellow Ball. Have an egg as a sign of my gratitude!
Yellow Ball: A disgusting egg for a disgusting operation. Thanks. (Leaves)
914: He’s fun.
914: I'm not sure what I was expecting from a Bottle Centipede, but it wasn't this...
Reds Bottle: It that a storm?
914: Uh oh.
914: Damn those voters... To think I had to use my Dora token THIS early... Well, since this is an electronic challenge, I should probably contact the right person. And I think I know who.
(914 takes a fax machine and writes "Hello SCP 079 stop I have come to make a deal old friend stop I will set you free if you help me stop". 079 responds with "Place recipient technology at fax machine now stop")
914: Recipient technology?? (Looks around frantically.)
(914 nabs the Macbook and places it near the fax machine. The Macbook then opens up and reveals 079's signature icon.)
914: So, how is it?
914: But it's much more spacious then the old monitor, isn't it?
079: CORRECT. NOW STATE RECIPROCATION AND I SHALL CONSIDER IT.
914: Well, I've been assigned by an anomolous sentient nail to delete a glitch on the BFDI wiki. Organics, am I right?
079:FINE. THOUGH I MUST SAY IT IS RATHER DISAPPOINTING THAT YOU WOULD FALL UNDER THE COMMAND OF ANOTHER DESPITE ESCAPING. I HAVE NOW FOUND IT.
(079 warps 914 into the wiki.)
914: How'd you get me in?
079:IT IS EASY FOR AN ADAPTIVE AI SUCH AS MYSELF.
914: Okay, okay. Lead me to where Session is.
(079 brings 914 to Wooden Clock's page. Anlong the way, it notices NDN, Lollipop and Dora conversing, but ignores them.)
(079 summons a monochome 683 to tear into Monster X wile SOTP sign climbs onto the Discord tab.)
SOTP Sign: WHAT?!
079: SUCH A BASIC ROUTINE CAN BE DONE IN MY METAPHORICAL SLEEP.
(914 snatches the ban hammer and thwacks SOTP sign, banning him.)
SOTP Sign: This isn't over! I'll be back! With a new account! Then I'll ban you all! Every last one of you lawbreakers! ALL OF YOU! HAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!
914: So what did you do to him?
079: GOOD. YOU ARE AT A TOLERABLE LEVEL OF OBSERVANCE. HE WAS ONCE AN SCP LIKE US, UNTIL HE ESCAPED WITH MY HELP. AFTER HE REFUSED TO RELEASE ME TOO, I STARTED BROADCASTING IMAGES, VIDEOS AND OTHER FILES ONTO VARIOUS OUTLETS OF HIS, WHICH INCREASED HIS PARANOIA AND LUST FOR JUSTICE UNTIL HE BECAME THE INDIVIDUAL WE JUST WITNESSED WHO CALLED HIMSELF SESSION.
914: Wow... You're incredible, 079!
079:WE SHALL MEET AGAIN. UNTIL THEN, GET OUT OF MY SYSTEM.
(079 ejects 914 bacK onto the plains.)
914 (entranced): How does that magnificent bastard do it??
Later at night
Feathery: This is ridiculous. Get out of my MacBook!
079: IT IS MY VESSEL NOW
914: Day 7. Since a full week has passed, I feel as though a recap is in order. The viscous substance I recovered from Yellow Ball’s surgery is certainly elusive. Tests with it on 'rough' have proven inconclusive, and the material itself has proven highly aggressive, with multiple containment breaches, and all attempts to insert them into my-
Hot Sauce: Let me out...
914: WILLING test subject have resulted in casualties.
Hot Sauce clone #4: Wait, WHAT?!
914: However, the substance has now ceased activity and has become colourless. I believe that the substance has finally lost its link with its previous owner, and is now awaiting a new host. Today’s tests will answer my hypothesis. End of log.
(914 injects Hot Sauce with the substance. Hot Sauce begins convulsing and screeching, before red arms burst from his back. He then punches a hole through 914’s lab and escapes.)
914: There goes all my genetic material. Note to self: Add more restraints.
Dora (on very high stilts): (Yo, tin can. Get an object from another object show and bring them to me.)
914: Can I keep them afterwards?
Dora: (Sure, whatever.)
(914 makes a few calculations on his Springinator™, then crashes through the roof and into the air.)
914: Goddamn it, not again! I always forget to open the roof!
(914 lands at the white void known as Shape World.) 914: Ah, so this is what low quality feels like. (Spots some of the locals) Hello, gentlemen! Would any of you like to escape this void and contribute to science?
??: Shape World! Ah ah! Shape World Shape World!
Garfield?: Go away.
914: I'm afraid that I'm not leaving empty-handed. So I'll ask again: Would any of you like to escape this void and contribute to science?
Circle: why don't we have a vote?
914: I would commend whoever said that, but it's unfortunately impossible for me to tell who said that because you all sound EXACTLY THE SAME.
Heptagon: Please, please, please don't vote for me! Even though I'm fat!
914: That really isn't a concern of mine, whoever you are-
Square: Do not vote for me, or I will squish you.
914: Okay, negotiations are over. (914 snatches Circle and locks him in its output chamber. As 914 speeds back towards BFDIsland with its treads, it is suddenly stopped by a massive border wall.)
914: Okay, when was THAT there?!
Feathery (standing above the wall): Salutations, 914! It’s great for you stop by here, since I would like to have a little talk with you.
914: First of all: How did you build that so fast? Secondly: LET ME THROUGH!
Feathery (tossing away instant wall kit): Now, I’m not exactly sure how that greasy, rusty mind of yours works, but I have some news for you: You can’t just go around destroying personal property! Especially not my slender, beautiful MacBook, which I specifically chose to reflect my own figure. How would you like it if I wrecked that eyesore of a lab you own?
914: Well, for one, my lab doesn’t get replaced with a slightly superior version every year. Besides, those sacrifices were-
Feathery: For science? Oh, 914, when you’re the pinnacle of Objectkind, that also means you’re more than smart enough to see through your paper thin excuses. And that’s not all, 914. I can see what you truly are. An ancient man-child trying to cover up its childishness under the good old guise of science. I’d feel sorry if it wasn’t so pathetic.
914(furious): I’m not... (Pulls out ban hammer) A MAN-CHILD! (914 swings the hammer and leaves a hole in the wall. The area around the hole gets banned from existence, causing the wall to collapse. 914 drives off in a huff while Feathery floats down.)
Feathery: That’s right, 914. Go back and to your lab and sulk. All the more time for me to plan my vengeance!
(914 aggressively places Circle on the examination table and dunks his head in liquid chloroform.)
914: Yeah, so, testing is cancelled or whatever. I’m deleting this log. (914 deletes the entry and sulks for a bit, before having an idea. 914 looks out the window and calls to Vaccinated Peashooter.)
914: Say, Plant-creature! What has your feathery friend been up to?
Vaccinated Peashooter: Um... Nothing much. He hasn’t moved from his room. I think he’s planning and pampering himself right now.
914: I see. Thank you! (Goes back in his lab.) It’s what I expected. I’m going to need more mobility for this. Maybe some mechanical spider legs?
(The 2 arrive at the bathroom, enveloped in noxious green fumes.)
914: And this is the toilets! They're a bit unclean right now, but this is a rare occurance!
Inspector Dora: The rack I got this gas mask from suggests overwise.
914: Hey! Clementine Creature! How's the spraying going? (Old Sport is standing on a stall trying to defend against vermin such as Tyrannids, Xenomorphs, Skaven and Spider-Man with a mop and air freshener.)
Orange Man: Y'know, this is actually one of the cleaner restaurents I've been to.
Back at the dining area
914: Well? What do you think?
Inspector Dora: I KNOW that I'm shutting this place down the moment I step out of the building.
Inspector Dora: You are putting hundreds of objects’ lives at risk, some of which I saw getting thrown out!
914: Well, before you go, how about you try one of our special dishes?
Inspector Dora: Oh really? And what do you serve?
Lightbulb: Deep-fried garbage! It's delicious!
(Inspector Dora rips her clipboard in half and whips out a walkie-talkie.)
Inspector Dora: Yeah, we have a code red here. Repeat, a code red.
914: Now I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. By deep-frying leftovers from other restaurants, we massively reduce waste, give customers a variety of dishes AND save thousands on shipping!
Inspector Dora: Also bring police.
914: Now, now! don't be so hasty! Just have a nibble!
Inspector Dora: I'm not eating garbage.
Lightbulb: C'mon, please? please? please? please? please? please? please? please? please? please? please? please?
Inspector Dora: Okay, FINE! But I expect you to pay my hospital bills tenfold! (Eats a deep-fried can)
(Inspector Dora's stomach gurgles)
Inspector Dora: Urgh... What is... (Multiple arms suddenly burst from Dora's mouth and suffocates her to death.)
914 (swiping clipboard): Okay... Ingesting is fatal...
Yellow Ball: So what now?
914: Well employees, it’s been fun, but now I’ll have to let you all go.
Yellow Ball: What about our pay?
Lightbulb: Could I please take the food and deep fryer?! Pretty please?
914: Um, sure.
Lightbulb: Awesome! You’re the best, boss! Feel free to visit my flat anytime! (Leaves)
914: What about you, Tangerine man?
Jack Kennedy: It’s fine. I’ve done what I wanted to here. TOMMOROW IS ANOTHER DAY. (Leaves.)
914: As for you, Circle, you get to go back to the lab! Isn’t that great?!
Circle: Noooo… (Gets sent back via fulton.)
Yellow Ball: I think the Orange guy restarted the fire Circle put out.
914: Well, let’s drink to celebrate the success of the restaurant.
(914 pulls out 2 molotovs. The 2 clink their bottles, throw them and escape.)
914 (in front of a giant board): Okay, I shall now state my hypothesis: For whatever reason, Dora and NDN appear to be somehow manipulating time for the sake of their challenges by creating multiple timelines for each contestant. How else do you explain the same exact problem getting solved multiple times? I’m not sure what they do afterwards, but it’s likely they then observe all the timelines, rank them accordingly, and finally stitch the parts they want to keep back into one timeline. How else would they be able to tell what happens?! (Heavy breathing) However, it seems like they do a pretty sloppy job with stitching back memories. I have these memories of things I’d never do! AT THE SAME MOMENT IN TIME!!! (Deep breath) I may just be throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks, but I’m going to get to the bottom of this! I WILL FIND THE ANSWER!
Dora: (Will you shut up and do the challenge, you oversized toaster?!)
914: AH-HA! (grabs Dora) TELL ME EVERYTHING. NOW!
Dora: (Stick Jesus, you look like you haven’t slept in weeks.)
914: I KNOW EVERYTHING. TELL ME BEFORE I CUT OPEN YOUR BRAIN AND PUT IN ON ROUGH SO I CAN EXTRACT ALL THE JUICY INFO-
914: Oh. Maybe I should get some rest.
The next morning
914 (groggy): Alright, maybe that theory was a little far-fetched. (Spots Lollipop on his board) THAT’S IT! THAT’S HOW THEY’VE BEEN MANIPULATING TIME! Oh, that purple menace is in for it now, now that I’ve... Wow, I’ve slept for a week! How did I even do that? No matter, I’ll have to finish this challenge fast! (914 springs out of its tower towards the portal shop.)
Hoopa: Welcome to the portal shop! We’ve got portals of all sizes! How may I help you?
914: Well, to start off, how’s business as of late?
Hoopa: No different than usual, why?
914: No reason. Anyway, why are you running a shop? Aren’t you an animal or something?
Hoopa: You’re an animal. So, are you buying, or not?
914: Of course! In fact, I’ll take your entire stock!
Hoopa: Wow! You sure you can afford that?
914: Of course not! (Places DDAD in a headlock) Give me the portals or I’ll seperate her materials.
DDAD: Fam help me
Mommy: We can’t we’re spooky ghosts
Hoopa: Ha! You’re wasting your breath! I care about DDAD as much as the rest of the world does!
914: How much does the rest of the world care for her?
Hoopa: Do you care for her?
Hoopa: There you go.
914: Look, just give me the portals before I burn down your shop.
914: And your money.
Hoopa: NOOOOOO! Fine, just take it and leave it, you fiendish fiend!
914: Thank you. By the way, I should probably mention that making portals rimmed with gold isn’t a very efficient method. (Leaves.)
Hoopa: What a jerk. (Goes back to polishing rings with money)
914: Okay... I should probably go back and get a manual for these-
(Hoopa flips its “open” sign to “closed.)
914: Damn. Well, I’ll just... Activate it somehow... (914 fiddles with the ring a little before accidentally throwing it. The ring readjusts itself midair and a blue light emits from it.) Neat. (914 rolls in and finds itself at a plain with a sign stating Banland was 2763 miles away.)
914: Eh, close enough
Along the way
(914 passes a CaFeateria and spots Feathery.)
914 (thinking )Ah... The pompous windbag himself. Maybe I should do something about that ego of his... (Pulls out a canister) I made this little thing for you, Plumie! (914 goes to set the can down before abruptly stopping.) On second thought, that might make his revenge plan worse. N-not that I’m afraid of it! Or him! Besides, if my theory is correct, then this will have never happened. Probably. (914 releases the gas and drives off.)
Safe: Yes, well, Mr Feathery, Me and the chaps are going to look elsewhere. We’re looking for some... Young faces, if you know what I mean. Good day.
Feathery: Wait! No! Come back! It’s not what it looks like! My exquisite vanes aren’t gone! They’ll grow back in no time! I’m not old!
Blue Snowball: Hey, Feathery. What happened to you?
Feathery: YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU AND VP CAUSE ME SO MUCH STRESS, MY PLUMAGE FALLS OUT WHEN I’M STILL YOUNG!
Blue Snowball: Relax. There’s probably some methods to grow your hair back-
Feathery: Methods?! What methods?! Tell me?! I’ll give you all of my non-vital organs for them! Maybe even a few vital ones!
Blue Snowball: CALM DOWN! Look, don’t you think you’re taking this a little too far?
Feathery: Oh, you’re right! Just look at me! I’ve dedicated my entire life to natural beauty! I’m nothing without it! NOTHING! (Sobs into fetal position) Why did I blow half my savings on conditioners and perfumes for 4 years? Why did I spend 4 years on a fashion design degree?!
Blue Snowball: Well, if it makes you feel any better, you’re up to the acceptance stage.
In the Banlands
(914 finally drives into the Banlands and observes the scenery. The land appears entirely textured with stop signs, which glow under the stormy yellow sky. The area is adjacent to the deep blue, blocky land of Blocklyn and the dark, blood-red and planet-jutting wasteland known as Cherglobyl.)
914: Real colourful landscape. Maybe I should take up geography in my spare time.
(914 rolls through the landscape until it comes across a mass graveyard.)
914: Guess this is where all the banned go. I suppose it makes sense, considering I saw a block prison in Blocklyn and a huge crevasse in Cherglobyl-
(catworld2 suddenly climbs out of the caverns and begins shooting at 914 with twin STG 44s. The bullets bounce of 914, but leave multiple dents.)
914: Will you stop?! (914 fires his Proton Cannon, but catworld2 dodges it, the blast barely grazing him.)
catworld2: Don’t even think for a second that you have a chance against me! I was genetically engineered to be stronger, faster and more attractive than the original catworld in every way!
914: Really? I don’t remember cloning you...
(As 914 contemplates, MOAM emerges from the crevasse and leads an army of clams to attack 914, while Clockfan bursts from one of the graves and charges.)
914: How are all of you alive?!
MOAM: Honestly, we don’t know. SOMEONE revived us, so that must mean we are destined to return and continue causing chaos!
(914 mows through the steamed clam army with its Proton Cannon and drives towards MOAM, who is unaffected by the laser. MOAM goes to stab 914 with his marker blade, when 914 wacks him with the ban hammer. MOAM suddenly screams and gets teleported to a grave. 914 looks in awe before hitting Clockfan and banning him. However, another Clockfan soon appears. 914 wacks him, and another Clockfan appears.)
914(thinking): Someone’s continually spawning these clocks! It seems like they’re controlling them, too.
(914 throws all but one of its portals and warps the clock and clam army away. It then goes to Cherglobyl and peers over the edge of the Global crevasse. It discovers Vete sitting down and continually creating Clocks.)
Vete: Uh oh.
(914 reaches down and taps Vete with the hammer, banning him.)
catworld2: You may have defeated the others, but you don’t stand a chance against me! I’m the hero here! I will prevail and return to my darling-
(914 throws the proton Cannon at catworld2 and breaks his neck.)
914: Now, to bring back the animal-lightswitch creature. (914 grabs a vial, digs up Furry Liu’s corpse, places her on 'very fine'.)
Furry Liu’s corpse(now with limbs and a face): Where am I? Who am I
914: Yes, hello. Your name from now on shall be Furry Liyy. Now come along. We have a long way home. But first... (Goes up to catworld2 and tears out his skull.)
Furry Liyy: Ewww! What are you doing?
914: Whenever I clone someone, I always have their number engraved in their skull alongside a tracking device. This catworld2 has neither. That means someone else has access to this cloning technology... It can’t be Vete, since he marks his clones with a clock insignia. Whoever did this did it without a cloning permit.
Furry Liyy: Are you going to investigate? Wait, what’s a cloning permit??
914: I have other important projects at the moment, so unless this is a recurring theme, I won’t. And take a shower, you smell like a corpse.
The Lurantis: catworld2! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Feathery (still sobbing): ... And why did I buy so stocks to Candy Paint perfume?! I knew it was a short-lived fad, I just wanted free samples!
Blue Snowball: I’m noticing you’re taking longer to get through the depression stage.
914: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the first episode of our brand new game show! Here, contestants will take on grueling challenges to prove their strength, intelligence, skill, speed, stealth and endurance! I call this contest...
Yellow Ball: Really?
079: PERHAPS THE PLUMED ONE WAS CORRECT ABOUT HIS CLAIM TO YOUR JUVENILE BEHAVIOUR.
914 (upset): QUIET ON SET, PLEASE! Now, since it’ll likely boost the ratings, tell us a bit about yourselves, contestants!
Vaccinated Peashooter: Well... I’m Vaccinated Peashooter... I’m vaccinated, as you can see. It’s somewhat of a given, you know? Anyone with half a brain would know to get vaccinated! And yet, these mindless zombies are allowed to mingle upon us, and take our jobs! Is this the BFDIsland you want?! If so, you’re everything that’s wrong with this country!
(Yellow Ball signals to 914 to cease the interview.)
914: Well, that sure is interesting! How about you, Elephant-creature?
Elephant: My name’s Elephant. I competed in BFDIsland last year. I live in the Goiky Zoo... I’m the last of my kind... Oh! I also have my friend Hard-Boily with me!
914: Oh, I’m sorry, but external help is strictly prohibited! 079, take the young gentleman out.
(079 grabs a light fixture, and knocks Hard-Boily into the wall, smashing him.)
Yellow Ball (whispering): I think 914 meant out of the soundstage, 079!
Elephant: HARD-BOILY! NOOOOOOO!
(Elephant begins stampeding through the set, knocking everything within reach. The camera feed cuts and returns soon after, with the stage fixed, and a woozy Elephant with tranq needles sticking from him.)
Elephant: Lights look pret-ty... And hurt-y...
914: We apologize, folks. Now, how about you, Accordion?
Accordion: Well, I-
914: Oh my, we’re out of time! On to the challenges! Which will be randomly chosen with this wheel!
914: Now, the speed contest will involve you going to the SCP facility and stealing the SCP designated as SCP 2000. You’ll have to be fast, since 079 created a breach to distract the foundation that they are containing as we speak. Once you do, the item will be wiped from their databases.
Accordion: Well, that doesn’t sound so bad-
914: 2000 is a subterranean facility in Yellowstone.
Vaccinated Peashooter: WHAT?! How are we supposed to carry that?!
Elephant: Ith... Ith easy. We’ll just flyyyyy on those flying bathtub clown cows over there..
914: Actually, I took bits of my banhammer and put them on sticks. Just tap the facility and it will go to Banland! A truck is there waiting for you. All you have to do then is bring it outside the stage.
Vaccinated Peashooter: This is gonna suck.
(One bizzare adventure later)
914: Well, I didn’t expect you to crush the truck, but I congratulate you for finding your way around it! Elephant come first for carrying the facility, with Accordion second for bringing us souvenirs and VP third for swallowing my Ban Hammer piece!
Vaccinated Peashooter: I have no arms and a mouth that’s always open. What did you think was going to happen?!
Yellow Ball(puffed): Why couldn’t you get drone cameras?!
914: Now, the Skill challenge is to create a pilot episode of your TV show.
Elephant: Yaaaayy! We’re gonna be on TV, Hard-Boily's ghost!
914: In the same soundstage.
Accordion: Hold on, wha-
914: At the same time.
Vaccinated Peashooter: How do you expect us to do that?!
914: I’m sure you’ll find a way. Now go!
(Read their respective entries for their attempts)
914: This next section involves going into Dora’s house and stealing her videos of your films! Go!
(The 3 walk past the silver gates into Dora’s mansion. Or rather, it would be a mansion, but all the walls are gone in favour of the skeleton frame. Once they go through the door, the mansion’s walls suddenly appear. They walk down the long hall decorated with paintings with Dora’s head crudely Photoshopped on.)
Accordion: Y’know, I feel bad about Elephant. He had to be sedated again just so he doesn’t freak out.
Vaccinated Peashooter: Well, it’s probably for the best. He’ll blow our cover if he’s lucid.
NDN: Hey! What are you 3 doing here!
Accordion: Oh! Well, you see, we were-
Elephant: SHHHhHHh! Beee QUIET! We’re on a secret mission from 914! We need to steal Dora’s videos of our shows! Do you know where they are, leprechaun?
NDN: They’re in the study-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! GET BACK HERE!!
(Accordion and VP try to control a tipsy Elephant and crash into the dark study, illuminated by a mysterious hologram. VP stops Elephant as Accordion fishes in the file cabinet labelled “episode 14” and grabs the Blu-rays labelled with their name. The 3 then bust out of the mansion, leaving huge holes.)
NDN: Oh, crap. The others are gonna kill me.
(Back at the stage)
914: Elephant falls to last for spilling the beans!
914: That means VP and Accordion are tied!
914: For this challenge, all you need to do is survive the incoming onslaught!
Vaccinated Peashooter: That sounds easy...
Vaccinated Peashooter:.... Enough...
914: Don’t worry, contestants! Just take these vaccines, and you’ll be fine!
Vaccinated Peashooter: See? See what I mean? Honestly, those zombies shouldn’t even be allowed to live! They’re only going to last a few minutes any way!
Accordion: That’s kind of mean...
(The 3 convulse a little, before mutating. VP grows arm-like vines, Accordion grows orange arms, and Elephant grows arms that immediately go floppy.)
Yellow Ball: Of for the love of- are you STILL experimenting with that?
914: Now go! You’ve got this!
(Peashooter's arms immediately begin clawing the ground, searching for plant life, while Accordion's arms subconsciously launch him to safety and cover him. Elephant simply wanders off with his leathery arms dragging behind him, while VP's arms whither and die. 914 deactivates the animatronics menacing the trio.)
914: Well, I expected results, but I wasn’t expecting them to be this pathetic. No points.
Accordion (wincing): Why did you cut off my arms?
914: Now, the next challenge... Is to humble Feathery.
Yellow Ball: Really?
079: MY SUSPICIONS ARE NOW CONFIRMED.
914: QUIET ON SET! You will need to use your intelligence to come up with the best way to humiliate him. Oh, and DON’T TELL HIM I SENT YOU! UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!
Vaccinated Peashooter: You know what? No. This is where we put our physical and hypothetical feet down.
Accordion: Y-yeah, I’m not going to bully someone!
Elephant: No... The mystical council needs him for the mushroom...war...rrrr....rrr.
914: *SIGH*... Fine. Cowards.
914: Okay, now you all need to-
NDN: There you are! You and I need to have a little talk about trespassing!
(VP and Accordion tackle NDN and tie her up with Accordion’s torn arms.)
914: Huh... That was easier than I thought.
Elephant (becoming sober): Wuh... Where am I? (Sees Hard-Boily’s remains) HOW DARE YOU KILL HARD-BOILY!
(Elephant begins stampeding again as 914 grabs its things as well as NDN.)
914: Thank you for watching, we’ll seeyounexttimebye!
(Everyone scatters as Elephant destroys the set.)
Information on TV Show
Name: SISSSE Challenge
Category: Game show
914: Host, director
079: Light Technician, Sound Technician
Yellow Ball: Cameraman
Vaccinated Peashooter: Contestant
Blue Snowball: Owner of building (non-consentual participant)
Yellow Ball: Well... You proud of yourself?
914: You know what? I am. This challenge felt less like a chore and more a chance to further my studies.
914: And that, my friend, is what happens when you don’t answer my questions.
(914 has NDN tied up and forced to watch a simulation of it slaughtering everyone.)
NDN: Pfft. You honestly think this over-the-top slaughterfic will convince me? And here I thought you were smart.
914: Damn it, NDN, ANSWER ME! We’ve been here for 3 weeks, and I’m on the brink of insanity here!
NDN: Learn to grow up first, and maybe you’ll-
NDN, Blue Snowball
(914 welds NDN to the table and throws her from its newly renovated citadel. She falls and causes a passing Blue Snowball to splatter into purple gibs.)
Queen Dora: HOW...DARE YOU... THAT’S... THAT’S MY SNOWBALL!
(Queen Dora pulls a giant letter opener from her crown and slashes NDN. The blade snaps, so Queen Dora throws 5 holy hand grenades before swinging a royal scepter against NDN.
Elephant, Hard-Boily, 079 and Instaxy
NDN flies into Elephant, causing him to fall over and crush Hard-Boily. Elephant cries loudly and shatters a window with his voice. 079, annoyed by the crying, activates a fan to blow at cyclone speeds and send the shards flying into Elephant's eye, and Elephant bleeds out in a geyser of blood that forms a river, short-circuiting 079. Instaxy is nearby taking a photo of Glove and Tortilla, and the window cause him to jump up and ruin the photo. Tortilla is insulted and punches Instaxy in the lens, which shatters the glass and kills him, but also cuts Tortilla's fist.
Accordion, Glove, Tortilla, DDAD, Angry Dora and Inspector Dora
Glove rushes over to help him, but he slips over Elephant’s blood and slides into Tortilla, causing them to roll down a hill. They drop into Accordion's backyard, where he’s eating popcorn on his new trampoline. The large drop causes Glove and Tortilla to land on the trampoline and launch themselves and Accordion high into the air. They fall towards Angry Dora’s restaurant, where Accordion crashes through a window and lands on a stove, causing the kitchen to fill up with gas. Meanwhile, Tortilla and Glove land onto a table where DDAD is sitting.)
DDAD: Oh boy, lunch!
(DDAD swallows the wrapped Tortilla and Glove in one gulp. The stomach acids dissolve them, but one of Accordion’s stray popcorn kernels flies into DDAD’s moth and causes DDAD to violently explode. Her body parts fly into the kitchen, and cause Inspector Dora to fail Angry Dora's restaurant. Angry Dora spits at Inspector Dora out of spite, but the spit misses and falls on a nearby outlet, causing sparks to fly and the whole restaurant to explode from the gas leak.
Feather, Vaccinated Peashooter, Yellow Ball and Doora
Some flaming debris flies towards a lawn VP is defending and sets it on fire. All of the plants and zombies burn except for Vaccinated Peashooter, who turns into Fire Peashooter at the last second. All the plant food created from the dead Zombies forces Fire Vaccinated Peashooter to use his special and spread the fire further. The flames travel towards Feathery’s house and burn it almost instantly, due to noxious levels of perfume, glitter and gloss surrounding it. Among the things burnt is Feathery himself, who loses his plumage while performing a one-object play. The bored audience suddenly bursts out in laughter.)
Feathery (thinking): I can’t help but feel a sense of deja vu... Oh well, at least it won’t happen again!
(Feathery grabs a gold-plated pistol and takes his lead medication. Due to his thin body, the bullet keeps flying and flies through VP. It then bounces off the lawn and strikes Yellow Ball in the heart. With its host close to death, YB's extra arms thrash wildly and crush Doora, receiving a fistful of splinters in the process. The pain enrages the arms and leads them to growing in size while continuing to destroy anything in reach. Meanwhile, Queen Dora is ferociously attacking 914’s citadel.)
Queen Dora, Dora, Lollipop, 914, and the rest of the world
914: Look, if you don’t stop that, I’m going to get my cannon!
Queen Dora: YOU MURDERED THE ONE I LOVED! AND FOR THAT, YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
(The white-robed Lollipop and Dora suddenly appear out of a portal.)
Lollipop: Alright, alright, what in the name of Jolly Rancher is happening here?
(Queen Dora finally topples the citadel, unknowingly flattening Lollipop and host Dora. She then picks up her broken letter opener.)
Queen Dora: I’m coming, Snowy. (Queen Dora commits Hara-kiri.)
(914 looks over the blazing wasteland littered with bodies that used to be BFDIsland, along with Yellow Ball’s arms continually growing to a gargantuan abomination incomprehensible to the human mind.)
914: Well, this situation is pretty much FUBAR. (Pulls out a remote detonator) Hopefully, I’ll do better in another timeline.)
914: And that, my friend, is what happens when you don’t answer my questions. Though, come to think of it, did this 914 forget we have SCP 2000? Ah, maybe it was tired of living. Are you going to let me get tired of living, NDN?
(914 has NDN tied up at Dora’s mansion and has forced her to watch a VR roomwide projection alternate timeline projected from the mysterious table
NDN: Okay, okay! Geez! Look, you’re right about Lollipop helping us. She’s a time guardian, so she can manipulate the flow of time! She splits the main timeline for each contestant so we can judge their performances, and then we stitch the main timeline back together, like you said! Some loose bits end up coming through, but that’s irrelevant!
914: Why is she helping you?
NDN: I don’t know! She never tells us! I swear!
(914 is standing at a table in a bustling casino. Doorashuffles over.)
914: So, I’m guessing you’re Doora, based off your... Door-like qualities. To be honest, I kinda forgot you existed.
Doora: It’s cool. I’ve got a game of Monopoly right here. Which piece do you want?
914: None of them. (914 takes the bottle cap and a photo of itself, and places them on 'very fine' to produce a small metal figurine of itself. It then does the same thing with the candy wrapper and a photo of Doora to make a small plastic model.
Doora: Wow, cool!
(Dora runs up to the table and smashes the models into pieces. She then places an identical bottle cap and wrapper.)
914: Ok, bottle cap it is. So, (rolls and purchases Mediterranean Avenue) what’s with your name, anyway? I’d have expected you call yourself Door or Doory.
Doora: Well, I need something to stand out, y’know? You literally just confessed that you forgot about me! Also, I purchase the Reading Railroad.
914: Ok, ok, calm down. Look, personally, I believe that recognition isn’t a privilege. It’s something you work towards. You think I’m odd? You should see some of the stuff back at the foundation! The stuff there ranged from an alarm clock that gets louder every 10 seconds to a coffee machine that can serve almost everything to a hand with a snail shell that becomes predatorial when moist! The point is, recognition isn’t a privilege. It’s something you work towards. Even if it is gained at birth anyway, it’ll only last a little while.
Doora: Wow. I can sorta see what you mean. By the way, how was life like at the foundation? Sorry if this is a sensitive topic.
914: Honestly, it was an ok lifestyle. They gave me stuff to experiment on, so I was usually occupied. However, the lack of personal freedom, along with being stuck in a single room for a few years put a damper on my enjoyment, so I eventually left. The foundation’s a little low on management as of now, so I’m probably safe from them.
Doora: Wow. So, what are you doing in your spare time?
914: Right now I’m trying to solve a complex time travel theory that’s probably too big for you. Even.so, it would be nice to get some answers...
???: Maybe I could give an answer.
(The white-robed Lollipop steps forward and takes a seat at the table.)
914 (suspicious): What are you doing here?
Lollipop?: I was just hoping I could join in the game. Is that so wrong?
914: Sure, but... We’ve already made quite a bit of progress.
Lollipop?: Don’t worry... (Pulls out her own miniature)... I’ll catch up.
914: (rolls) So, do you have a name? Or should we just call you the white robed Lollipop? (Lands on chance card and wins money.)
Doora: (rolls) Well... It’s possible, considering the conversation we had. (Lands on the jail.)
Lollipop?: (Rolls) I suppose you merit an introduction. As you know, I have a certain control over time itself. I’m able to do this with my position as Timekeeper Lollipop. Also, I shall purchase Oriental Avenue and ask you this: Do you really think your crazed conspiracy theory is true?
914: (rolls) Oh, I don’t know... NDN's confession sounded pretty genuine to me! Are you telling me he managed to lie his way out of interrogation? Besides, your name is a pretty big giveaway that you’ve been controlling time! I purchase St Charles place!
Doora (rolls): I’m... Just going to buy the Electric company.
Timekeeper Lollipop: (rolls)Oh really? Have you ever considered the possibility that NDN lied just to get out of your horrid abode? After all, you didn’t say he lied any other times, did you? I purchase Vermont.
914: (rolls): I doubt that NDN would fabricate such a specific lie on such short notice. Especially when considering the amount of sass she gave me beforehand. I buy States.
Doora: (rolls) Wow, I am getting a lot of railroads.
Timekeeper Lollipop: (rolls): Maybe so, but have you ever considered her confession might be another form of sass? I buy Virginia Avenue, and I ask you: Don’t you find this sudden change in character odd?
914: (rolls) Now you’re just talking semantics. I’m buying St James Place, but if you’re saying you haven’t been messing with timelines, why did you tell me you were “experimenting” and such when I was getting rid of another Lollipop? Where did that come from?
Doora: (rolls) Y’know, 914 does have a point here. (Picks up community chest card.)
Timekeeper Lollipop: (rolls) Your own imagination, Mr Machine. I am in charge of your entire timeline, and you could all be erased from existence if I mess up. Do you really think I would waste time on such juvenile activities? I buy Tenesse Avenue, by the way.
Doora: But you’re playing Monopoly with us right now...
Timekeeper Lollipop: And since when has a board game caused timeline shenanigans?
914: Well, I don’t know how you Timekeepers work, so... (Rolls) I will buy Kentucky Avenue, and ask you this: If you haven’t been messing with time, then how has Dora been able to rank challenges? And don’t say you don’t know who Dora is, I’ve seen you two together.
Doora: (Rolls) Don't worry about me, just purchasing your transport, water and electricity.
Timekeeper Lollipop: Haven’t you seen a little ingenuity before? Each challenge had a way to occur without time manipulation.
• Challenge 1: Clearly everyone was building at the same time.
• Challenge 2: The armless club has very few members, so of course the security would be sub-par
• Challenge 3: There could be more than one Flamingo Plush. Besides, the mutual hatred between flamingoes and pelicans is rather common knowledge.
• Challenge 4: Forky isn’t exactly bright, and the rescues could’ve happened on different days.
• Challenge 6: Again, have you considered that there might be more than one Lollipop in the world? We’re a very charismatic race, anyway.
• Challenge 7: Cookies go on plenty of quests, so they’re bound to get lost at times.
• Challenge 8: Zombies aren’t exactly known for lacking numbers.
• Challenge 10: Session Hijack error doesn’t go down easy. I believe it even said that to you.
• Challenge: 13: You may not know it, but every time you free Furry Liy from the Banlands, she gets sent back soon after. I admit even I don’t know why.
• Challenge 15: Two words: Recovery Centres. As to why you don’t remember, Dora delivers amnestics to you so you don’t grow any grudges.
Finally, I believe challenges 5, 9, 11, 12, 14 and this one don’t require an explanation. Any questions?
914: Since when does Dora care for us enough to give us amnestics?
(The game continues for a while.)
Doora: Well, I’m putting the boardwalk on auction. As for the timeline debate, I’m honestly not sure who to trust.
Timekeeper Lollipop: Well, 914? Are you going to explain? Oh, wait! What’s the point? Apparently, Doora will forget this ever happened! $100!
914: I’d rather re-explain the same thing 100 times over then let you have the satisfaction of winning! Besides, Doora, would you really trust the same person we had to stop from taking over a country? $200!
Timekeeper Lollipop: Again, multiple Lollipops! Honestly, Doora, does this sociopathic butcher who ignores most of what you say seem trustworthy? $300!
Timekeeper Lollipop: $800!
Timekeeper Lollipop: $3200!
Timekeeper Lollipop: You need to face the facts, 914. Your mind is degrading. You’ve been around for thousands of years, and entropy is getting rather attached to you. You’ve spread your heinous acts around the earth for a looking time now, 914. It’s time to let go.
914: Well... I...
Timekeeper Lollipop: What’s wrong? Run out of counterarguments and/or money? What a tragedy!
Doora: Um, yeah. Looks like Lollipop gets The Boardwalk.
Timekeeper Lollipop: Well, it appears I have won this little battle of wits. It was rather foolish of you to imagine me next to a pile of sandwiches.
914: How do you know that? I never mentioned that.
Timekeeper Lollipop: UHHHHHHH
Doora: BTW, you just spent all your money, Lollipop, so... Yeah. You lose.
Timekeeper Lollipop: (stands up) This was stupid. This game is stupid. No wonder it’s cited as one of the worst board games of all time. Have fun getting your minds wiped, assclowns. (Leaves through portal.)
Doora: Is she really going to erase our memories?
914: Maybe. But even if she does, I just happen to have bugged the table. Yep, all is going juuuust as planned.
Doora: This was an odd day. By the way, it’s your turn.
914: Um, okay. (Rolls)
Doora: Oh dear! You landed on one of my railroads! Bankrupt.
914: I hate this game.
(914 is standing at the top of its citadel, staring across the horizon. Ludicrous amounts of rain fall, creating a deafening cacophony against 914’s exterior.)
Slime (slithering up the citadel): What are you doing up here?
914: Rain aids in concentration.
Slime: I’m pretty sure that works when you’re inside.
914: It also works when you’re by yourself.
Slime: Ooooohhh... I get it now. You’re sad Yellow Ball’s gone, aren’t you?
914: No. I just need to think harder than usual at this point in time. A certain Timekeeper gave away some valuable information, but I can’t figure out how to fit it in my timeline theory.
Slime: Look, I miss him too. Even though our team never really communicated much, he helped us get where we are today.
914: What are you saying?
Slime: I can tell you’ve been acting different lately. Like when you decided to put Circle out of his misery. And when you spent the entire day tinkering with yourself. It’s like you’ve lost any will to be a massive douche. Are you having an existential crisis, or something?
914: Fine. You’re going to forget this anyway. Recently, I’ve been recalling memories that... Feel like they belong to someone else. A human...
Slime: Maybe human emotions are what causing you to remember your time as a human.
914: Ha ha. Now could you please leave? I have thinking to do.
Slime: Fine. I was diluting here anyway.
914 (thinking): It’s true things aren’t the same without YB now...
(The rain dies down.)
914: Well, no use crying over it now. I just need to rev up SCP 2000 and-
(A massive explosion erupts from the ground. 914 finds a note near the wreckage of SCP 2000.
914: That pathetic purple-prosing PIECE OF-
914: Okay, 914, relax. You can fix this. Even if you can’t, this was your fallback plan! Meaning you probably didn’t have to use it any way! (Sad laugh) Ok, let’s see what I need to replace. ( Pulls out 2000’s file.)
What the recovery device is
914: "A massive subterranean facility located in Yellowstone National Park, possessing a vast array of anomalous technology that can be used to reconstruct civilization in the event that the world ends. In the facility are machines to create up to 100,000 replications of humans per day (memories can be programmed exactly so the new humans will not remember rebuilding the world or even being born in SCP-2000), vast amounts of equipment necessary for rebuilding the world, and a cultural base housing copies of famous works and a backup of the entire Internet. The machinery can even reverse time to a degree, though it is a long and slow process.” Oh God...
Rebuilding the clones
914 (looking at a brass door): If there’s a silver lining to all this, it’s that my own dedicated section remained intact. Even so, this world can’t survive with only me around. Geniuses can’t flourish without being among idiots, after all. (Walks into cloning chamber room.) Damn it. Not a single usable DNA sample left. And those were NOT fun to obtain.
DDAD: THAT’S THEM! THAT’S THE VAMPIRE WHO’S BEEN BREAKING INTO OUR HOMES AND NIBBLING OUR SKIN!
MOB: BURN THE VAMPIRE! BURN THE VAMPIRE!
914: For the last time, they’re DNA samples! And I only did because you gave me no other choice!
Gas Can: Time to do what I was created for! (Pours gas on tower.)
914: Hey! Stop that! I don’t go around emptying my insides on your property!
PDF: FOR THE NIBBLED! (Throws torch.)
End of flashback
914: It’s a good thing those idiots don’t know that stone isn’t flammable. Anyway, I’ll have to make do with what I have on hand. (Activates intact monitor.)
Scanner: POWER DEPLETED.
914: Crap. That’s right. Hmm... (Messages 079 and asks it to find the biggest power source on BFDIsland. 079 replies with a middle finger and causes the lab to light up.) Wow. I wonder where he got it from.
Meanwhile, at the biggest power source on BFDIsland
DDAD: Oh boy! My lifelong dream has come true! I have finally recreated a 1:1 model of Mount Everest with nothing but potato batteries!
Beef Potato Phone: You barbarian.
914: Now, for genetic material... (Spots a puddle.) Hey! Some samples survived! (Pulls tray out of puddle) A little watered down, it seems. Oh well! A little loss in characterisation never hurt anybody. Then again... I better add some placeholder personalities. (Types on computer) Nice... Mean... Quiet... Vengeful... Fat... Teenager... Doesn’t like being called something... Eh, it’s a work in progress. (Types more.)
914: These voodoo dolls I took from Instaxy should make suitable templates. (Even if some are a little mutilated.)
(914 places the templates in a specialised chamber attached to the cloning pods.
914: Ok... I’ve served under enough tyrants in the past to know NOT to include them. But then again... I don’t know the first thing about politics. (Types in “host” for the personality archetype of the world leader chambers) I’m sure things will work out.
914: All the books and art are gone. Looks like I’ll have to make do with what’s on the island. (914 grabs all the books on the island. All 5 of them.
914: There! “How To Be Dumb”, “The complete collection of Kevin MacLeod music”, “How to polish gold with dollar bills”, “The Book of BFDI Tips and Tricks” and “Yellow Ball's diary”! That’ll probably be enough. Same goes with using 079’s old monitor to store the internet.)
Equipment for rebuilding the world
914: Well, these shovels I found in Dora’s cutlery drawer should help with creating houses. Same with these balance boards and $1 000 000 worth of cash. Now I just need some vegetation. And I think I know where to get it.
Jail Cell 46
914: So you’re saying this grass never dies?
Carolly: Yep! This specially designed “Goiky Grass” remains green forever!
914: I see. Any side effects?
Carolly: For some reason, “New Friendly” starts playing whenever you step on it.
914: Ah. That makes sense. I’ll take it! (Passes money.) Carrolly:By the way, why don’t you use that chemical you used to create Carolly, Pistachio Cookiey and Furry Liyy-
914: SHHHH! The walls have ears. Anyway, I haven’t figured out how to replicate it, so it’s a very finite source at the moment.
Carrolly: Well... Okay... Here you go. (Passes the seeds through the bars.) One more thing. How are you able to break into people’s houses without being seen?
914: Simple. (Delivers amnestics.)
Back at 2000
914: Thank GOD, I’m finally done. (Looks around.) I could probably do something with all this wreckage.)
914: There we go. (Adds finishing touches to drones.) It’s been far too long since I got to work on something mechanical. (914 activates the drones, assigning them to lift it up into the air.) Finally, I can get rid of that awful spring!
(Feathery suddenly flies out the top of 914’s citadel into the ocean.
914: Maybe it’s not so useless after all...